Inhale, Exhale

The room was cold, the lights were bright. Staff ran from one bed to the next. Machines beeped and buzzed. Patients either moaning or whining. I had spent the day stressing about my life, my direction and path. I was becoming flustered and my mind was running wild. I did not dream by that afternoon, events would land me holding my daughters hand in an emergency bed.

 I looked over my shoulder, at an elderly man being wheeled on an ambulance stretcher. He struggled to breathe. His face pale and old. I turned back to my daughter, pale but young. Here I was watching a man in his final years of life, alone on a bed, and my daughter, so fresh in her travels of life. I struggled to keep the overwhelming feeling from taking over. I had to stay strong for her. But sitting here - smelling, feeling, seeing and hearing was unexplainably intense.

I secretly looked over to the elderly man and wondered; What did he do with his life? Was he happy, and did he think events would end this way? Did he live his life the way he wanted or did he spend too many hours worrying rather than living? As I kept my stare hidden, my day’s events played throughout my whirling head. Sitting here in the emergency room was a shock. We all live our lives posting inspirational quotes about life and living on social media. Yet we still live in denial about the truth of our existence. We all know events can change in the blink of an eye, but how many of us live accordingly? I continued to watch his chest move up and down with struggle, inhaling and exhaling...

We are born with the inhalation, and we die on the exhalation.

Every breath in between is a blessing. Every encounter, every possession, every smile and every soul we touch is a gift. The very foundation, our breath that keeps us alive, is ignored as we strive for things that, in the end don’t matter. We take the breaths in between for granted, we take the gifts silently given to us as an expectation.  We lose sight of the journey for the destination. Before we know it wind up pale, wrinkly, weak and releasing our last exhale. Most likely with no possessions around us, no certificates nailed above our hospital bed. If we are lucky we might have a loved one with us holding our hand.

We avoid fear, we avoid making our hearts beat faster in case we face failure. We fail to realise that failure can lead us to beautiful moments. Failure and success both contribute to our journey. We fear what we might learn on the way. We become scared to forget about money and chase a dream that sets our souls on fire.

Today’s whirling mind of my future, could not have been slammed in my face any harder. The realisation could not have been any more real.  Today I dropped my university degree and changed to a degree that has frightened my core. Today I forgot about my destination and embarked on a journey. I am leaving fear at the hospital door. I am holding my children tighter, thanking my breath and gifts. I want to look as many failures in the eye, for my failures will shape a more authentic me. An authentic me who hopes to smile my last exhalation.