Whatever you want to call me......

I sit here, with my tea, starting this blog with no real intention. Just that I have to write. My week has been shit. It feels like I’m trying to swim however the strong current has other ideas. University started four weeks ago, and up until that point my life was rosy, bliss, organised and structured. Then all of a sudden, like every bloody semester it blows up in my face.

Im sick, but just not a normal head cold, no a “full blown” sickness. You know the ones that make you question everything in your life? My daughter’s health is twisting and turning causing my stomach to knot up.  Are we off track? Are we sick because of everything going on? Sometimes I wish I was normal and just take my sickness as what it is, but instead I look for bigger answers like what is out of line in my life to cause this or what is the universe trying to tell me. As one of my followers whom I am yet to bump into says “Jess, you are such a hippy.”

Am I a hippy?

Well I’ve never really thought about it. I do things I guess that may appear hippy to others, but I definitely don’t have dreads and smoke weed all day (not that that defines a hippy, no judgement intended). I just do what my spirit calls me to do and feel. I just am. I question the bigger picture every day, and avoid small talk. I accept that I am stand-offish in social settings, but it’s because I feel odd and different.

So anyway, back to my week, I’ll get to the hippy part again. Everything has gone wrong, sure there’s been great things that have happened, but this week has just been turmoil. I questioned my parenting skills, my marriage, my own self. I felt like university is just a waste of time and selfish on the family. It was like my unconscious ego was trying to destroy every ounce of what made me… “me”. Today, my husband rings me broken down on the side of the road. I grabbed the kids, still in our p.j’s and hair like we touched a live wire and piled us all in the car. As I drove him to work, he was stressed and worried. But I wasn’t. I just chatted with him and sang music with the kids. “It will be alright” I said as he ran into work. I ignored the situation got the kids ready for school.

And then it happened, I went to get a blood test (cause remember I feel like I’m dying). I sat in the seat and engaged in “small talk” with the pathologist. She stuck the needle in my arm, and the most excruciating pain shot through me.
“Oh, I’ve hit a nerve, not a vein” she exclaimed. “I am so sorry, its bruised straight away, I have to try the other arm.”. She looked embarrassed, upset and very sorry. I looked to her and said,
“It is ok, things happen, and to be honest, the way my weeks going I should’ve warned you that this would happen.” I assured her it was ok, and it was just a mistake. Ok deep down I wanted to cry, and grab my arm and let her be the final straw to my week. I wanted to yell at her, but I didn’t. Why ruin her day, even her week for a simple mistake?  

I walked out, decision made that this week can seriously piss off, and opened my phone. There’s a message “how do you do it? Being a mum, working and study.” As I held my arm, the thoughts of my husband’s car, my arm, my workload, my university load all overwhelmed me and tears pierced my eyes. I started to write, DON’T DO IT…BACK OFF NOW, then I stopped, sat in the car seat and read the message over and over. It put everything back into perspective for me. I smiled and replied:

“Ok it's hard. I won't lie. There are days (like today) that I question everything and I want to give up. I feel like I'm a shit mum EVERYDAY. I feel like I'm a shit wife. I feel like I am failing. But when Aaleah looks at me and says Mum why are you sad? I tell her I don't know if I can do uni anymore, she says “c’mon Mum you have to”. It's those moments that keep me going. It's the setting example to myself and children that you can do whatever you want to do. I cry. A lot. My escape is the gym and yoga. Being sick this week has taken that escape away so everything feels 10x worse then what it is. I have two kids full time, and work is always there. I question it all...but that's my own head always seeking the truth and bigger picture. I rely on you and others to motivate me and remind me the reasons why. Follow your heart. Don't be afraid. If it's what you want it will "just" work. There will be days like I'm experiencing but you learn to laugh and accept that it's not forever. I'll help you in any way possible. You can do it."

Yea you know what, I am a bloody hippy. I seek answers where there are no answers. I light candles, my house is full of plants, I do yoga, I burn sage, I wear crystals for whatever reason. But you know what I am not? Someone who will let this week’s events kill my dream, I won’t let a broken-down car define me, or shower handles that fall off in my hand as the hot water burns my skin. I won’t punish a young pathologist for making a mistake.  My illness is here to test the fact that I am a fighter, that I can do anything I put my bloody mind to. I am teaching two young kids how to be warriors not worriers. To make me reassess who enters my life and how I spend my time. If you ever feel like breaking down, if you ever feel like running away, remember we are all in this shit together. There will be days and weeks that test us, but just keep going. YOU'VE GOT THIS.

Ok seriously enough hippy talk…I need to go to bed and get better, cause this fighter isn’t giving up just yet xxxx

Inhale, Exhale

The room was cold, the lights were bright. Staff ran from one bed to the next. Machines beeped and buzzed. Patients either moaning or whining. I had spent the day stressing about my life, my direction and path. I was becoming flustered and my mind was running wild. I did not dream by that afternoon, events would land me holding my daughters hand in an emergency bed.

 I looked over my shoulder, at an elderly man being wheeled on an ambulance stretcher. He struggled to breathe. His face pale and old. I turned back to my daughter, pale but young. Here I was watching a man in his final years of life, alone on a bed, and my daughter, so fresh in her travels of life. I struggled to keep the overwhelming feeling from taking over. I had to stay strong for her. But sitting here - smelling, feeling, seeing and hearing was unexplainably intense.

I secretly looked over to the elderly man and wondered; What did he do with his life? Was he happy, and did he think events would end this way? Did he live his life the way he wanted or did he spend too many hours worrying rather than living? As I kept my stare hidden, my day’s events played throughout my whirling head. Sitting here in the emergency room was a shock. We all live our lives posting inspirational quotes about life and living on social media. Yet we still live in denial about the truth of our existence. We all know events can change in the blink of an eye, but how many of us live accordingly? I continued to watch his chest move up and down with struggle, inhaling and exhaling...

We are born with the inhalation, and we die on the exhalation.

Every breath in between is a blessing. Every encounter, every possession, every smile and every soul we touch is a gift. The very foundation, our breath that keeps us alive, is ignored as we strive for things that, in the end don’t matter. We take the breaths in between for granted, we take the gifts silently given to us as an expectation.  We lose sight of the journey for the destination. Before we know it wind up pale, wrinkly, weak and releasing our last exhale. Most likely with no possessions around us, no certificates nailed above our hospital bed. If we are lucky we might have a loved one with us holding our hand.

We avoid fear, we avoid making our hearts beat faster in case we face failure. We fail to realise that failure can lead us to beautiful moments. Failure and success both contribute to our journey. We fear what we might learn on the way. We become scared to forget about money and chase a dream that sets our souls on fire.

Today’s whirling mind of my future, could not have been slammed in my face any harder. The realisation could not have been any more real.  Today I dropped my university degree and changed to a degree that has frightened my core. Today I forgot about my destination and embarked on a journey. I am leaving fear at the hospital door. I am holding my children tighter, thanking my breath and gifts. I want to look as many failures in the eye, for my failures will shape a more authentic me. An authentic me who hopes to smile my last exhalation.

Blue Eyes

Her eyes were piercing blue, they had the power to shake your core. They were the gateway to her soul. The gateway to a more profound level of her existence beyond her looks. Her face marked by freckles, her body tiny and sacred. She was young in her travels of life, trapped inside a world that favoured perfection and beauty. A world owned by large corporations and logos, making profits of her suffering. Companies striving off lowering young girl’s self-esteem. A world that has blinded young minds from their inner beauty. She ever so gently lined her eyes with make-up, in the hope it would create beauty, beauty she ever so deeply desired.

She doesn’t see her soul shining out of her eyes

She doesn’t see what those around her see. Mass advertisements brainwashing her mind to perceive an image that is not real.  A world that is driven by conformity and appearance ideals. As I starred deeply into her blue eyes, a persistent pain stabbed my heart. Does she know over 40% of Australians looked in the mirror and felt the same way? Does she know for 25 years I looked in the mirror and said the same things? And if she knew, would it make any difference. Chances are it wouldn’t. But I sure as hell wont sit around and let another soul spend 25 years live with self-hatred.

You see, how do you be happy in a biosphere that shapes your perceptions so delusionary? What if I told you we live in a world that is on the verge of collapse? Would you deeply understand what I mean, or would your views, your perceptions interpret it differently?  How does a young child express self-love, when their parents struggle to love themselves? We all grow up influenced by socialisation, however the trend is now at damaging levels. Girls fade away as they starve the very elements that keep them alive. And even then, if starving herself created some form of perfection, she would still find another flaw to so harshly punish. Body’s filled with chemicals as addictions to numb the pain rises. Yet, there seems to be very little emphasis on advertising how spectacular our temples really are.

We were not put here to be the same....

Why is she growing up in a world, that does not show her that it is ok to be confident the way she is. Why is self-love so severely frowned upon? How does her blue eyes cope with the idea she has to conform to society, judgement and ridicule? How does her blue eyes learn self-love and to kick-ass on an extraordinary level, when the world around her tears down empires to make theirs bigger? We were not put here to be the same. We will never be the same. We will never be perfect. So why do we spend hours striving for what has brainwashed our spiritual depths.  We were not put here to feed our egos, or feed the egos of mass corporations. It is during the exploration of our perceptions, fears, desires and ego that we will find self-love and peace.

My dear blue eyes, as this blog has so vaguely pointed out, the world is messed up.

You will never please everyone. Your ego, your own mind will try tear you down. But in a world, were everyone else will try tear you down, why not stand up to your rapid mind and ego? In a world where perceptions are a mere fantasy, find peace within yourself. My blue-eyed soul, the only person you will truly venture this life with, is you. Love yourself, learn self-care. Make yourself incredibly awesome, for regardless of what you think, the world will learn to adapt around you. Shine my blue-eyed friend, because your body is your temple to love. Your life is here to live. Let me be your mirror young child......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWfjlIMiqBg

The Life of a Walking Empath

She gracefully lied her body down on the shore line. She paused, took a deep breath in and absorbed the colours of the sunset and the depths of the ocean around her. Her arms spread wide, opening her chest. She couldn’t help but notice her arms felt like wings as she surrendered to the earth beneath her. Her "wings" felt as majestic as maleficent. She allowed her soul to gravitate as her lungs filled with clean salty air. Her mind had been wandering, sometimes to charmed places, other times to murky depths of the chaos that surrounded her. She thought for a split moment, how much of a blessing and a curse it was to feel everything so intensely.  The weight had been bearing so heavy on her shoulders. The weight of society around her. She could gracefully feel it leaving her body as she emptied her mind of the productions that whirled through it.

Just waiting for a day they felt happy...

She detested that humanity had egos that drove their lives. People only worried about money making, egos destroying relationships faster than a hurtling bullet. Mental illness rising as the minutes passed.  People taking their lives and the lives of others like a plague. She felt the pain, and heard the tears of the children around her. Knowing one in five children were diagnosed with a psychological disorder shattered her heart. Small souls just waiting for a day they felt happy, like blowing out the candles on their birthday cake. She loathed that children weren’t feeling this every day. Parents taking children’s lives as if there was no other option for their confused difficulties.  She despised the drug companies, who relied on societies suffering in order to make a profit.

Everywhere she looked, No one was standing on common grounds...

She observed society striving for things that fed their egos, determined for effects that

only supported the chaos and madness. Everyone with an opinion, but defending the sorry state of their own lives.  Selfishness that has everyone following the wrong direction.  The very elements that humanity should avoid, seem to be goals in which to achieve. Constant advertising destroying people’s self-esteem faster than bacteria. Children striving for perfection and unrealistic images that media so untruthfully display. She felt that everywhere she looked, no one was standing on common grounds. She could not help but to be confused by this, as she knew in life everyone shared one common goal. Happiness. Yet everyone destroyed humanity trying to find it. The weird thing was, it is right there, inside of them, they just failed to look within.

She got the impression not many could understand why she spent hours studying psychology and counselling. They only saw the negative impact those scenes would have on her life. Constant questioning of her ability to be able to cope with cases beyond measure. For the empath, this is not as simple as it seems. People were oblivious that for her, she sees and feels those things whether she is involved or not. The empath walks a life, that not many can grasp. Everyone matters to her. She feels the pain of humanity, she experiences others heartache. She tried for many years to ignore the truth of who she was. Her mind spinning faster than anyone else, as she was torn between the revealing of her unconscious truth or staying to the normality of society. The empath knows she cannot change the world, however she could not settle with anything less
than trying.

Clarity lies in the absence of her thoughts

Erin Chaplin Photography

As she graciously lied on the beach, she realised she had to stay conscious to the madness and chaos of society. For staying conscious only ignited her veins and the immense feelings that ran so deep within her. She could no longer conform. She was much more than that. She would no longer be content with the perceived fact she was only cells that determined her biology. Her soul was much superior than her limbs that effortlessly lied on the shore line. She unapologetically opened her arms wider, and discovered she was here for a soul purpose.  She was here to release her soul that circulated through her roots. For the empath, she had to stay grounded and take control of her mind. For once she controls her mind, once she awakens to the fact that clarity lies in the absence of her thoughts, she would be unstoppable.

"The Broods--Mad World"...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MkiF3iD-mg

So You're Different? Own IT!

You look around, you don’t see living beings, you just see bodies. You notice their connections are lost, the connection to each other, the connection to the universe. You only hear conversations that are about each other, judgements and ridicule. Those around you find it easier to discuss other people and drag them down rather than discuss the beauty of this life. It’s easier to tear each other down then to give a compliment. Everyone wants change, without ever thinking of changing themselves. Distorted perceptions all around you, that have been engrained by society. And it’s not until you make a connection with something bigger, that all of a sudden you feel different. Isolated from the human bodies that walk around you daily.

At first you feel lost, like living in the eye of a cyclone.

You hear people call you alternative, crazy, a hippy and bizarre. You can feel the judgemental eyes dig deep into your core. When it first happens, you feel the urge to pull back into the normality of life, many do and it’s ok, they aren’t ready. You on the other hand, know deep down you aren’t those things people think, so you just keep living in the eye of the cyclone. For here it shakes you. The very elements of your body feel ignited.  You haven’t felt this strange…ever. There is beauty here. Beauty of making connections with people you may have previously brushed off. You start to see that life is much, much more then what’s spinning in your crazy mind.

When living in the cyclone, you realise denying the cycle of life is no longer an option. You realise this universe has been, and will be here for millions of years, you however will be lucky to last 80. You accept that one day you will take one final breath. It becomes strongly apparent that living a disconnected life for the next 50 years is not an option for you. You would rather stay in the depths of the cyclone confused and connecting with your true self. For this is better than living a life disconnected.

for the person you have become is odd

to the normality of society.... 

Erin Chaplin Photography

The longer you stay here, you notice on lookers eyes that once pierced you, drift elsewhere. They begin to find something else to distract their busy minds. You sleep well, because you know you are a good person. You stay true to yourself and those around you. The cyclone seems to pass, but you do not notice, because that alive feeling stays with you. Conversations are hard to maintain, friends are hard to maintain, for the person you have become is odd to the normality of society. People seem to come and go, but when they are there, they touch your soul and give you wisdom to carry until you die. You like this, for nothing in this life lasts forever.

After being in the cyclone for so long, comfort zones disappear. Things that were once an idea in your whirling mind become reality, for you no longer fear failure. You fear regret, you fear drifting back into the realm of nothingness. Your life fills with opportunities that give you the feeling of drawing away…but instead you do them, with light shining in your eyes. You complete things with a feeling of satisfaction that you withhold from sharing with others. You pass light on to others, for you have endured the sharp pains of change. You can relate to those stories and pain of others around you. You hold back on telling people what you know, for this is their journey, and you no longer feel the urge to judge or give unsolicited advice.

For your body can achieve things you only dreamed of....

You take care of yourself, for your body can achieve things you only dreamed of. This cyclone allows you to feel what you truly desire, physically and mentally. You no longer feel jealous or judgemental. You feel content and alive. You learn to accept that you are different and odd, but no longer feel ashamed of it. You feel liberated.

My dear, if you feel different but afraid, don’t be. Follow that cyclone, it is beautiful in here. If you feel like you are longing for more, don’t ignore it. The cycle of life is also instilled deep in the cells of your body. If you are different, own it. For owning it will open you to greatness you can achieve.

Let's Get Grounded Before The Silly Season

As Christmas vastly approaches I reflect on many things. One being this….When you ask someone what is important to them in life, especially around Christmas, most will respond their family, relationships, children etc. However when observing our actions, we actually act in a reverse manner.  We are living in a fast growing rapid world. We aim for a quality life, only accessible in our generation. We live affluent lifestyles, living way beyond our means. The last time I wrote about this topic in a university course, I received a High Distinction, and this is why….

With greater economic growth, societies have easier access to higher quality food, transport, clothing, entertainment and we see lower costs for resources, giving each individual a greater quality of life. It is this quality of life that the general public deny they are involved in. When asked most individuals will tell you their main priority in life is personal relationships, however few will behave in this way.

Too many spend hours working to afford the era of materialism, accumulating spiralling debt and actually spend less time with their important relationships. 

Social media also shows that affluence is the way of life. Although aware the era of materialism holds negative outcomes for their futures, individuals argue they are too time poor to be concerned about these negative impacts. These views are only intensified with endless advertising making it difficult for individuals to understand the impact this new era of lifestyle holds

It only takes a short and quick google search to see that the more we want, the more irritated and unhappy we become. In fact, several studies have been conducted to measure the correlation between a person’s income and their level of happiness.

There was a greater level of happiness between low and middle income earners, however this level of happiness levelled off the higher the income became. The more we make, the more hours spent working, to pay for things we assume will bring us happiness. This levelling off of happiness showed higher income earners have less ‘in the moment happiness’.

It is not only us who feel this affect, but the children in today’s society. They have the world at their fingertips (which is also a positive for them). However shops are lined with sparkly robotic out of this world products. Parents wanting to give them everything they never had. But what exactly is this teaching them, and us for that matter? 

I'm not here to play 'Christmas Grinch'

So how exactly do we become grounded in these months leading up to Christmas? Go shopping, and enjoy your gift buying (after all I am not here to play Christmas Grinch), but before you do try this. Make yourself a cup of tea (or coffee) and go sit outside.  Leave your phone inside, and just sit. Spend five minutes feeling the temperature, whether that be 40 degrees here in Australia, or the cold elsewhere. Listen to the different sounds around you and smell the fresh air.

 As you actually take 5 minutes to taste your beverage, think of all your relationships that are valuable to you. Their faces and smiles. Think about the months after Christmas and reflect on hours spent working trying to pay off those credit cards. Or if you are like me who doesn’t own a credit card, think to yourself, will all the stress of Christmas really mean much in March next year? 

Chances are it won’t.

Chances are you would much rather be sitting here reflecting on the laughter and memories made on Christmas day. The moment of being with that loved one, truly there looking at their smiles and engaging in conversations that will last a lifetime.

Once we learn to be contempt, we learn happiness isn’t in the things we buy, yes it brings momentary happiness, but it is quickly replaced. Happiness comes when we are truly in the moment of here and now (not an easy task to learn).

Happiness isn’t in the material possessions we own, but the people and life we have around us. If you successfully sat for 5 minutes feeling, smelling, listening and reflecting, hopefully it bought you some sort of peace, some form of grounding. Affluence this Christmas will quickly pass only leaving you in debt, stressed or missing out on the things that really matter. Spend this Christmas in the here and now, as this is what will matter more when your older then what you bought. 

RIP to poppy who spent his last Christmas with us last year xxxx

Because Your Life is so 'Put Together'

Do you hear that chuckle from deep within? I am far from having my life put together; I'm winging just as much as you.

Source: Deviant Art

I do understand however why I hear this so much, because externally, it seems this way. I am a mother, a wife, a university student, a small business owner and currently volunteering to assist in yoga classes. I walk/workout daily along with a solid yoga practice. “Superwoman” right? Internally it doesn’t always feel this way.

I realised I knew nothing

Having my first child at 21, I thought I  knew it all, had all the answers and was a grown up. It wasn’t until I had my second child at age 24, and they began to get older, that all of a sudden, I wasn’t so grown up and I realised I knew nothing. How possibly could I raise and guide two young children at 28, when in all honesty I am confused as ever? How does a woman who is on a journey of finding peace, letting go and understanding the big pictures of life comfort her 7 year old, who collapses in her arms after being bullied at school. How do I give her answers that I have no idea the answer to?

Superwoman internally struggles with guilt and conflict. Am I a bad mum for taking on so much, am I bad mum who burns the cookies every time we attempt to bake…or that time I was so engrossed in getting the cookies right, I failed to notice the chaos of ingredients my children were silently experimenting with behind me (resulting in eggs, milk butter and flour from one end of the kitchen to the other)!

'Am I too busy striving for high distinctions?'

I can play the role of superwoman because I have an internal locus of control--my results in anything I do come down to me, and although this is not always a great trait to have, it does allow me to grow and expand to the best possible me. I hold innate determination. These traits are only becoming conscious to me as I further progress through psychology studies and the study of myself through yoga. This is where my internal guilt comes into play. What am I passing on to my children? Am I too busy striving for high distinctions in my degree or perfecting those handstands, that my children are missing freshly baked cookies? Will they be determined and strive in this life, or is my busy lifestyle neglecting vital skills I should be instilling in them?

And then it happened…my daughter freshly in a competitive gymnastics team started her intense training. I watched on as she became lost in postures and body strength she has never needed up until that morning. Miss A watched as girls easily breezed up the 6 metre high rope. Then it was her turn. One hand on the rope, then the next. She just hung there, unable to work out left from right, unable to move. She dropped into the foam pit completely deflated and defeated.

I didn't have the answer, and it killed me.....

We sat in the car and I held her small hand.

“It's ok honey, practice makes perfect, do you think I could do a headstand the first time I tried?”. She shook her lowered head.

“You watched mummy, how long did it take me?”

......“A long time” she replied. We held hands the rest of the trip home, I didn’t have the answer, and it killed me.  But what I do have is determination. I would train with her at home.

A few weeks later I was lucky enough to sit in her lesson. The time came for her to put one hand then the other on the rope. My heart hurt, knowing the possible outcome. But it didn’t go that way, she saw me standing there, smiled and reached up the rope. Then again and again. She kept looking over me to make sure I was still watching and recording (and seriously I looked like I was watching her at the Olympics, my smile from one ear to the next, tears literally streaming down my face). She made it to the top.

She tumbled down and jumped for joy.

Hang on, I do have the answer.......

It hit me hard, like another awakening. I may not be able to bake but I sure as hell am superwoman. At least in my kid’s eyes. I don’t have to know all the answers, I have to just let go, let go of guilt, let go of doubt and grow with my children.

“It is not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I cannot tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself.”

Joyce Maynard

I am superwoman (who cannot bake). I can teach my kids determination, strength, how to hold it all together, patience and the ability to just let go. …for always, small steps create bigger outcomes.

Jess xxx