Whatever you want to call me......

I sit here, with my tea, starting this blog with no real intention. Just that I have to write. My week has been shit. It feels like I’m trying to swim however the strong current has other ideas. University started four weeks ago, and up until that point my life was rosy, bliss, organised and structured. Then all of a sudden, like every bloody semester it blows up in my face.

Im sick, but just not a normal head cold, no a “full blown” sickness. You know the ones that make you question everything in your life? My daughter’s health is twisting and turning causing my stomach to knot up.  Are we off track? Are we sick because of everything going on? Sometimes I wish I was normal and just take my sickness as what it is, but instead I look for bigger answers like what is out of line in my life to cause this or what is the universe trying to tell me. As one of my followers whom I am yet to bump into says “Jess, you are such a hippy.”

Am I a hippy?

Well I’ve never really thought about it. I do things I guess that may appear hippy to others, but I definitely don’t have dreads and smoke weed all day (not that that defines a hippy, no judgement intended). I just do what my spirit calls me to do and feel. I just am. I question the bigger picture every day, and avoid small talk. I accept that I am stand-offish in social settings, but it’s because I feel odd and different.

So anyway, back to my week, I’ll get to the hippy part again. Everything has gone wrong, sure there’s been great things that have happened, but this week has just been turmoil. I questioned my parenting skills, my marriage, my own self. I felt like university is just a waste of time and selfish on the family. It was like my unconscious ego was trying to destroy every ounce of what made me… “me”. Today, my husband rings me broken down on the side of the road. I grabbed the kids, still in our p.j’s and hair like we touched a live wire and piled us all in the car. As I drove him to work, he was stressed and worried. But I wasn’t. I just chatted with him and sang music with the kids. “It will be alright” I said as he ran into work. I ignored the situation got the kids ready for school.

And then it happened, I went to get a blood test (cause remember I feel like I’m dying). I sat in the seat and engaged in “small talk” with the pathologist. She stuck the needle in my arm, and the most excruciating pain shot through me.
“Oh, I’ve hit a nerve, not a vein” she exclaimed. “I am so sorry, its bruised straight away, I have to try the other arm.”. She looked embarrassed, upset and very sorry. I looked to her and said,
“It is ok, things happen, and to be honest, the way my weeks going I should’ve warned you that this would happen.” I assured her it was ok, and it was just a mistake. Ok deep down I wanted to cry, and grab my arm and let her be the final straw to my week. I wanted to yell at her, but I didn’t. Why ruin her day, even her week for a simple mistake?  

I walked out, decision made that this week can seriously piss off, and opened my phone. There’s a message “how do you do it? Being a mum, working and study.” As I held my arm, the thoughts of my husband’s car, my arm, my workload, my university load all overwhelmed me and tears pierced my eyes. I started to write, DON’T DO IT…BACK OFF NOW, then I stopped, sat in the car seat and read the message over and over. It put everything back into perspective for me. I smiled and replied:

“Ok it's hard. I won't lie. There are days (like today) that I question everything and I want to give up. I feel like I'm a shit mum EVERYDAY. I feel like I'm a shit wife. I feel like I am failing. But when Aaleah looks at me and says Mum why are you sad? I tell her I don't know if I can do uni anymore, she says “c’mon Mum you have to”. It's those moments that keep me going. It's the setting example to myself and children that you can do whatever you want to do. I cry. A lot. My escape is the gym and yoga. Being sick this week has taken that escape away so everything feels 10x worse then what it is. I have two kids full time, and work is always there. I question it all...but that's my own head always seeking the truth and bigger picture. I rely on you and others to motivate me and remind me the reasons why. Follow your heart. Don't be afraid. If it's what you want it will "just" work. There will be days like I'm experiencing but you learn to laugh and accept that it's not forever. I'll help you in any way possible. You can do it."

Yea you know what, I am a bloody hippy. I seek answers where there are no answers. I light candles, my house is full of plants, I do yoga, I burn sage, I wear crystals for whatever reason. But you know what I am not? Someone who will let this week’s events kill my dream, I won’t let a broken-down car define me, or shower handles that fall off in my hand as the hot water burns my skin. I won’t punish a young pathologist for making a mistake.  My illness is here to test the fact that I am a fighter, that I can do anything I put my bloody mind to. I am teaching two young kids how to be warriors not worriers. To make me reassess who enters my life and how I spend my time. If you ever feel like breaking down, if you ever feel like running away, remember we are all in this shit together. There will be days and weeks that test us, but just keep going. YOU'VE GOT THIS.

Ok seriously enough hippy talk…I need to go to bed and get better, cause this fighter isn’t giving up just yet xxxx

Inhale, Exhale

The room was cold, the lights were bright. Staff ran from one bed to the next. Machines beeped and buzzed. Patients either moaning or whining. I had spent the day stressing about my life, my direction and path. I was becoming flustered and my mind was running wild. I did not dream by that afternoon, events would land me holding my daughters hand in an emergency bed.

 I looked over my shoulder, at an elderly man being wheeled on an ambulance stretcher. He struggled to breathe. His face pale and old. I turned back to my daughter, pale but young. Here I was watching a man in his final years of life, alone on a bed, and my daughter, so fresh in her travels of life. I struggled to keep the overwhelming feeling from taking over. I had to stay strong for her. But sitting here - smelling, feeling, seeing and hearing was unexplainably intense.

I secretly looked over to the elderly man and wondered; What did he do with his life? Was he happy, and did he think events would end this way? Did he live his life the way he wanted or did he spend too many hours worrying rather than living? As I kept my stare hidden, my day’s events played throughout my whirling head. Sitting here in the emergency room was a shock. We all live our lives posting inspirational quotes about life and living on social media. Yet we still live in denial about the truth of our existence. We all know events can change in the blink of an eye, but how many of us live accordingly? I continued to watch his chest move up and down with struggle, inhaling and exhaling...

We are born with the inhalation, and we die on the exhalation.

Every breath in between is a blessing. Every encounter, every possession, every smile and every soul we touch is a gift. The very foundation, our breath that keeps us alive, is ignored as we strive for things that, in the end don’t matter. We take the breaths in between for granted, we take the gifts silently given to us as an expectation.  We lose sight of the journey for the destination. Before we know it wind up pale, wrinkly, weak and releasing our last exhale. Most likely with no possessions around us, no certificates nailed above our hospital bed. If we are lucky we might have a loved one with us holding our hand.

We avoid fear, we avoid making our hearts beat faster in case we face failure. We fail to realise that failure can lead us to beautiful moments. Failure and success both contribute to our journey. We fear what we might learn on the way. We become scared to forget about money and chase a dream that sets our souls on fire.

Today’s whirling mind of my future, could not have been slammed in my face any harder. The realisation could not have been any more real.  Today I dropped my university degree and changed to a degree that has frightened my core. Today I forgot about my destination and embarked on a journey. I am leaving fear at the hospital door. I am holding my children tighter, thanking my breath and gifts. I want to look as many failures in the eye, for my failures will shape a more authentic me. An authentic me who hopes to smile my last exhalation.

Blue Eyes

Her eyes were piercing blue, they had the power to shake your core. They were the gateway to her soul. The gateway to a more profound level of her existence beyond her looks. Her face marked by freckles, her body tiny and sacred. She was young in her travels of life, trapped inside a world that favoured perfection and beauty. A world owned by large corporations and logos, making profits of her suffering. Companies striving off lowering young girl’s self-esteem. A world that has blinded young minds from their inner beauty. She ever so gently lined her eyes with make-up, in the hope it would create beauty, beauty she ever so deeply desired.

She doesn’t see her soul shining out of her eyes

She doesn’t see what those around her see. Mass advertisements brainwashing her mind to perceive an image that is not real.  A world that is driven by conformity and appearance ideals. As I starred deeply into her blue eyes, a persistent pain stabbed my heart. Does she know over 40% of Australians looked in the mirror and felt the same way? Does she know for 25 years I looked in the mirror and said the same things? And if she knew, would it make any difference. Chances are it wouldn’t. But I sure as hell wont sit around and let another soul spend 25 years live with self-hatred.

You see, how do you be happy in a biosphere that shapes your perceptions so delusionary? What if I told you we live in a world that is on the verge of collapse? Would you deeply understand what I mean, or would your views, your perceptions interpret it differently?  How does a young child express self-love, when their parents struggle to love themselves? We all grow up influenced by socialisation, however the trend is now at damaging levels. Girls fade away as they starve the very elements that keep them alive. And even then, if starving herself created some form of perfection, she would still find another flaw to so harshly punish. Body’s filled with chemicals as addictions to numb the pain rises. Yet, there seems to be very little emphasis on advertising how spectacular our temples really are.

We were not put here to be the same....

Why is she growing up in a world, that does not show her that it is ok to be confident the way she is. Why is self-love so severely frowned upon? How does her blue eyes cope with the idea she has to conform to society, judgement and ridicule? How does her blue eyes learn self-love and to kick-ass on an extraordinary level, when the world around her tears down empires to make theirs bigger? We were not put here to be the same. We will never be the same. We will never be perfect. So why do we spend hours striving for what has brainwashed our spiritual depths.  We were not put here to feed our egos, or feed the egos of mass corporations. It is during the exploration of our perceptions, fears, desires and ego that we will find self-love and peace.

My dear blue eyes, as this blog has so vaguely pointed out, the world is messed up.

You will never please everyone. Your ego, your own mind will try tear you down. But in a world, were everyone else will try tear you down, why not stand up to your rapid mind and ego? In a world where perceptions are a mere fantasy, find peace within yourself. My blue-eyed soul, the only person you will truly venture this life with, is you. Love yourself, learn self-care. Make yourself incredibly awesome, for regardless of what you think, the world will learn to adapt around you. Shine my blue-eyed friend, because your body is your temple to love. Your life is here to live. Let me be your mirror young child......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWfjlIMiqBg