Do you hear that chuckle from deep within? I
am far from having my life put together; I'm
winging just as much as you.
| Source: Deviant Art |
I do understand however why I hear this so much, because
externally, it seems this way. I am a mother, a wife, a university student, a
small business owner and currently volunteering to assist in yoga classes. I
walk/workout daily along with a solid yoga practice. “Superwoman” right? Internally
it doesn’t always feel this way.
I realised I knew nothing
Having my first child at 21, I thought I knew it all, had all the answers and was a
grown up. It wasn’t until I had my second child at age 24, and they began to get older, that all of a sudden, I wasn’t so grown up and I realised I knew nothing.
How possibly could I raise and guide two young children at 28, when in all
honesty I am confused as ever? How does a woman who is on a journey of finding
peace, letting go and understanding the big pictures of life comfort her 7 year
old, who collapses in her arms after being bullied at school. How do I give her
answers that I have no idea the answer to?
Superwoman internally struggles with guilt and conflict. Am I
a bad mum for taking on so much, am I bad mum who burns the cookies every time we attempt to bake…or that time I was so engrossed in getting the cookies right,
I failed to notice the chaos of ingredients my children were silently experimenting
with behind me (resulting in eggs, milk butter and flour from one end of the
kitchen to the other)!
'Am I too busy striving for high distinctions?'
I can play the role of superwoman because I have an internal
locus of control--my results in anything I do come down to me, and although
this is not always a great trait to have, it does allow me to grow and expand
to the best possible me. I hold innate determination. These traits are only
becoming conscious to me as I further progress through psychology studies and the
study of myself through yoga. This is where my internal guilt comes into play.
What am I passing on to my children? Am I too busy striving for high distinctions
in my degree or perfecting those handstands, that my children are missing
freshly baked cookies? Will they be determined and strive in this life, or is my busy
lifestyle neglecting vital skills I should be instilling in them?
And then it happened…my daughter freshly in a competitive gymnastics
team started her intense training. I watched on as she became lost in postures
and body strength she has never needed up until that morning. Miss A watched as girls easily
breezed up the 6 metre high rope. Then it was her turn. One hand on the
rope, then the next. She just hung there, unable to work out left from right, unable
to move. She dropped into the foam pit completely deflated and defeated.
I didn't have the answer, and it killed me.....
We sat in the car and I held her small hand.
“It's ok honey,
practice makes perfect, do you think I could do a headstand the first time I tried?”.
She shook her lowered head.
“You watched mummy, how long did it take me?”
......“A long time” she replied. We held hands the rest of the trip home, I didn’t have
the answer, and it killed me. But what I do
have is determination. I would train with her at home.
A few weeks later I was lucky enough to sit in her lesson. The
time came for her to put one hand then the other on the rope. My heart hurt,
knowing the possible outcome. But it didn’t go that way, she saw me standing
there, smiled and reached up the rope. Then again and again. She kept looking
over me to make sure I was still watching and recording (and seriously I
looked like I was watching her at the Olympics, my smile from one ear to the
next, tears literally streaming down my face). She made it to the top.
She tumbled
down and jumped for joy.
Hang on, I do have the answer.......
It hit me hard, like another awakening. I may not be able to
bake but I sure as hell am superwoman. At least in my kid’s eyes. I don’t have
to know all the answers, I have to just let go, let go of guilt, let go of doubt and
grow with my children.
“It is not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I cannot tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself.”
“It is not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I cannot tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself.”
Joyce Maynard
I am superwoman (who cannot bake). I can teach my kids determination,
strength, how to hold it all together, patience and the ability to just let go. …for always,
small steps create bigger outcomes.
Jess xxx
